Whether your intention is to catapault or cripple your company, a successful campaign comes from within. A solid internal structure will be evidenced out in the world. The same is true for a sickly, imbalanced structure.
Are you in a position of leadership at your company? Do you own a company that you’d like to go under? Fear not. Here’s a quick How To Fail guide in seven easy steps.
Tip #1 Give yourself all the credit
Having a talented staff is the best way to make yourself look good. Allow the talents and innovations of your people to launch your personal fame to the next level. Take credit for what they do, and conveniently forget to give credit to them in public. Make sure that no employee is singled out as especially vital to company success or expertise as this will rob you of your intended glory.
Tip #2 Hire more employees instead of giving raises
Whether you want to build a nationally recognized organization or you plan to sell, always hire more employees rather than giving raises. This will quickly cause a downward spiraling shift in employee attitudes. They will feel undervalued, passed over, and slapped in the face each time you bring someone else on to do work you don’t even need yet.
Tip #3 Demand team mentality
Forget about answering the “why”! Demand teamwork and give no reasons why. Guilt ‘em when you can, whenever you can. Make your employees feel like their job security depends on putting in extra effort to keep the team afloat.
Tip #4 Focus group talks around company survival
Build on the team mentality bit. Every time you talk about the condition of the company, mention how badly you need an upturn in profits to stay afloat. This will squelch any metion of raises from your staff.
Tip #5 Shift responsibility of success away from self
We all know that success or failure begins with the head of a company. But we also know that even the most obvious truths will be overlooked by employees who will do anything to look good. Never mention that you might be responsible for company failures. If you absolutely must, do so quickly and change the subject like it was no big deal. This will make the employees feel even more worthless and betrayed. If you do this well enough, you might even lose an employee or two!
Tip #6 Micromanage employees
This step is essential. You cannot overdo this step. In fact, micromanaging works even better if you don’t keep up with what is going on in your company for weeks at a time! Then you can harass your employees with emails and notes and visits to their cubicles, asking them if they’ve checked the latest numbers or added a cover sheet to the TPS reports (gotta love Office Space). No one likes to be micromanaged unless they truly believe they cannot accomplish anything of their own volition. So give it your best shot! While you micromanage, be sure to underestimate all your people. Double check with them on things they’ve already done or that no longer apply to a given project. This will without doubt communicate your lack of trust and faith in their abilities! Watch them run out the door in droves! You’ve all but won (or lost), now.
Tip #7 Constantly look for sympathy from employees
This behavioral pattern is especially successful for small companies where everyone still feels like a family. As the leader of the company, you can always come in looking downtrodden and overwhelmed. All the poor saps who make less money than you will still manage to feel sorry for you when little things go wrong that ruin your day.
If you find this step fits within your company structure, this step will automatically play back into Tip 3 and Tip 5. The goal is to basically seem like you can’t perform basic tasks (though you forgive your own inadequacies and give others hell for theirs). You have to be the victim. Think the victim. Act the victim. Things happen to spite you. For all your amazing hard work and overcomer attitude, let your employees see how badly you get screwed over.
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There it is. Follow these seven tips and you are guaranteed to cripple your company’s reputation. You’ll be drinking to the good ‘ol days in no time!
Of course, if you actually want your company to succeed (loser), you will obviously make sure to do the exact opposite of what is written here.
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